Four wishes gone wrong
by metroanime
Summary: a brief look at wrong wishes could turn out, using a scene from Astrild's Restaurant. the omake is "Oh Pooh"


From: Gregg Sharp metroanime@mindspring.com  
Subject: [Ranma][Fanfic] four wishes gone wrong?  
Date: Tuesday, April 20, 1999 1:43 PM  
  
  
  
  
a quick laugh by gregg sharp, this is not meant to be anything but a brief chuckle. if you want Great Meanings, go read Krista Perry's stuff or something else.  
an e-mail i got indicated that things were about as insane as they could get in Astrild's Restaurant. i disagree...  
4 Wishes Gone Wrong, a spamfic collection kinda thing by metroanime@mindspring.com  
  
---------------------------------------------  
  
SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE  
  
Hours later, Ranma held the sword in front of himself and was sitting in the Tendo-ke.  
  
"...and so Kuno told the sword to grant the pigtailed girl a wish." Ranma stared in frustration at the sword. "I tried wishing for the sword to cure my curse, and it buzzed at me saying that there was a conflict."  
  
"I see," Kasumi said. "If you wished yourself free of the curse, you would not be the pigtailed girl, and therefore the sword would not have granted the pigtailed girl a wish. Oh my."  
  
Everyone stared briefly at Kasumi.  
  
"Serves the pervert right," Akane said, sipping her tea. "Honestly, the way you acted around Kuno..."  
  
"Hey! It's not my fault! You see what it's like with a curse like this, and see how well you cope. Geez, I got girls coming onto me in boyform, guys coming onto me in my girlform, and nobody listens to me in either form!"  
  
"You're just too irresistible for your own good, Saotome," Nabiki smirked. Ranma's life was never boring. "Everybody just absolutely LOVES Ranma."  
  
"Well, if they could get along with each other as well..." Kasumi said aloud, thinking that most of the problems came from jealousy and Ranma's inability to bring himself to hurt any of the various fiancees in question. Thereby hurting all of them. Not that she would say this aloud.  
  
"Yeah, I wish." Ranma placed both hands over his mouth, eyes wide as he realized what he had just said. His mind replayed the likely wish as a Statement Of Doom.  
  
"Granted," said the sword, teleporting away to return to the temple that Kuno had drawn it from.  
  
Ranma swallowed, his eyes flicking over and up in response to the odd clatter of a sewing basket dropping.  
  
Kasumi was staring at him as if she had never seen him before, a delicate blush stealing over her features.  
  
Ranma's eyes flicked to the side as Nabiki abruptly began running a finger over his arm, her eyes half-lidded as she studied him.  
  
Ranma swallowed again and his eyes flicked to the other side where Akane was now the same color her name described. She was staring at him with a definite sparkly look to her eyes.  
  
"Uh oh." Ranma estimated possible escape routes. He took one.  
  
------------------------------------  
  
"Ranchan!" Ukyou hit the ground at a run. She noticed the girls running next to her. "Hey, you're new around here, aren't you?"  
  
The girl on the right nodded. "Honey Kisaragi."  
  
The girl on the left did a two finger wave. "Minako Aino."  
  
A girl a little past Minako grinned. "Madoka Ayukawa."  
  
"Well, I'm Ukyou Kuonji." Ukyou grinned as she caught sight of a pigtail up ahead. She pointed at a girl about three back in the pack. "See that girl over there? That's Nabiki Tendo. She'll set you up with your membership card, a nice little spread of photos of Ranchan, and a copy of his  
schedule."  
  
"Thanks," Honey said with a grin.  
  
"AAAAAaaaaaa!" The scream at the front of the line came as Ranma realized he'd just passed an all-girl's school.  
  
There was a brief pause before the crowd burst out of the school, joining the current pack.  
  
"AAAAAaaaaa!"  
  
"OhHOhoHOhoHO!"  
  
"Ranma, how dare you flirt with," Ryouga stood in the roadway and blinked as Ranma passed him. "Oh no, not again."  
  
THUD "Oh, sorry, Ryouga. I didn't see you there." Akane called back over her shoulder at the fallen lost boy.  
  
WHAM "Oh my."  
  
CRUNCH "Hmmm. Maybe I should include a street map of Nerima in the next version of the book."  
  
TRAMPLE "He runs just like my sempai."  
  
BLAM "Shampoo think all this running is tightening airen's butt. What you think, Benten?"  
  
"DAMN STRAIGHT!"  
  
"Daaaarliiiing!"  
  
STOMP "Oooo. I stepped in something."  
  
"Roguespierre! Roguespierre!"  
  
Dozens of footprints adorning his body, Ryouga slowly regained his feet. "Damn, either they're getting heavier, or I'm getting out of shape. Ahhh, Ranko, soon I shall find a way to free you of your evil Ranma body and we can be together..."  
  
----------------------------  
  
Ranma, racing ahead of the pack, felt an awful chill pass along his spine. Still he was almost safe, they wouldn't pursue him THERE.  
  
Ranma ducked into the Boy's Club and hid in his usual locker. With any luck, they'd go away.   
  
He hadn't noticed that on Fridays they were co-ed.  
  
---------------------------  
  
if a glimpse into THAT wasn't sufficiently sick & twisted, how about:  
  
"You're just too irresistable for your own good, Saotome," Nabiki smirked. Ranma's life was never boring. "Everybody just absolutely LOVES Ranma."  
  
"Yeah, I w---. Damn, almost said it."  
  
"Hmph," continued Akane. "You're always getting yourself into these problems, Ranma, and it's always your fault. Pervert."  
  
"Why," Ranma turned eyes heavenward, "did I have to get engaged to an uncute tomboy?"  
  
"Because, Saotome," Nabiki started ticking points off on her fingers. "You're not rich or particularly intelligent, you suffer from chronic foot-in-mouth disease, you're also a coward in everything but a fight, which makes you completely unsuitable for me. You're not old enough or mature enough for Kasumi. Your curse turns you into a girl, which both I and Kasumi find revolting. Need I go on?"  
  
"Airen!"  
  
"Ranchan!"  
  
Ranma's head slumped. "Oh no."  
  
"Ranma! How could you invite them over!?" Akane managed to give Ranma a hurt look.  
  
"Actually, sis, I gave them the option of buying an info service where I call them whenever Ranma's about to go off on an adventure or do something that might impact their relationship with him." Nabiki smirked. "This qualified."  
  
"Hey, Ranchan, if you're gonna wish, why don't you wish to marry the fiancee that really loves you?" Ukyou smirked, knowing that neither Akane nor Shampoo could compete in that arena.  
  
Ranma looked up, that actually didn't sound too bad. He tried to think of what would be so bad about that one.  
  
Nabiki huffed arrogantly. "Oh, get it _over_ with, Saotome. There is no single thing that can solve all the problems _you've_ managed to  
accumulate. You _know_ that whatever you wish will just make your problems worse anyway. Why not just give it up?"  
  
Ranma looked downcast at the table. "Well, Kasumi?"  
  
"Ranma?"  
  
"Everyone _else_ seems to have something to add, I just thought I'd give you an opportunity to throw in your bit as well, is all." Ranma's voice was bitter. Here he had something that could end his curse, and he couldn't get any help in figuring out how to do it.  
  
"BAKA!" Akane's eyes glittered. "I know how to solve your problems, but you don't want to ask me, do you?"  
  
"You do? You're not kidding me?"  
  
"Tell the sword to grant MY wish, then I can simply wish you were cured. Since it doesn't involve the pigtailed girl, it should work." Akane raised an eyebrow, daring anyone to see a problem with that.   
  
"Akane, that's...good." Ranma stared at his fiancee, amazed that someone who still didn't know that P-chan was Ryouga could figure out such an elegant solution to his problem.  
  
Akane graciously took the sword.  
  
"Airen, no, don't! Shampoo no trust Violent Pervert Girl."  
  
"She's right, Ranma-honey. Akane's on the right track, but definitely NOT the one you want to trust on delicate matters."  
  
"HEY!" Akane glowered at the other two fiancees present. "Like YOU'D do any better?"  
  
Ukyou nodded, thinking as rapidly as possible. "I would wish that his curse be removed, and that he doesn't have to face that cooking of  
yours anymore. That would be two curses removed!"  
  
"Or Akane could simply wish that she could cook," Nabiki said with a snicker.  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"Akane such weak fighter. Maybe airen should wish that he married to strong fighter who love him?" Shampoo smiled, knowing that neither Ukyou nor Akane were anywhere near her own level. Shampoo hugged Ranma, sticking her tongue out at Akane behind Ranma's back.  
  
"HEY, I am NOT a weak fighter!"  
  
Ukyou, Shampoo, and Nabiki chuckled.  
  
"Aw, c'mon, Akane. Just make the wish, you know you don't stand a chance in a real fight with Shampoo."  
  
With a glance around at her betrayers, Akane felt a red haze snap into place. "I wish you all would fight me for real, then we could see..."  
  
Akane's voice trailed off and her eyes widened as she realized what she'd said. "Oops."  
  
the scene of violence that follows has been removed to avoid offending those who dislike flagrant character beating.  
  
===========================================  
  
or, using the same scene...  
  
"Hey, Ranchan, if you're gonna wish, why don't you wish to marry the fiancee that really loves you?" Ukyou smirked, knowing that neither Akane nor Shampoo could compete in that arena.  
  
Ranma looked up, that actually didn't sound too bad. He tried to think of what would be so bad about that one.  
  
Nabiki huffed arrogantly. "Oh, get it _over_ with, Saotome. There is no single thing that can solve all the problems _you've_ managed to  
accumulate. You _know_ that whatever you wish will just make your problems worse anyway. Why not just give it up?"  
  
"Y'know, Ukyou, you might have something there." Ranma looked off in the distance. "That WOULD settle a few problems."  
  
Shampoo smirked, knowing that she was Ranma's best choice because she was a skilled fighter.  
  
Akane frowned, knowing that she was Ranma's best choice but they weren't ready to be married yet.  
  
Ukyou smiled. Now she would have the best revenge. Living happily ever after!  
  
Nabiki scowled. If he pursued this line of reasoning, there was every chance she'd lose a considerable source of income.  
  
Kasumi didn't look up from her sewing. The "wa" of the house could be maintained.   
  
"Wishbringer, I wish that I were married to the girl who could make me happiest, whom I could make the happiest, who could accept me, whom I could accept, who wouldn't scare me, who loved me and wanted me to be happy, and we were someplace safe where we could do a happily ever after kinda thing." Ranma thought this would protect him from Kodachi, yet leave him with a reasonable chance of getting away if he were attacked.  
  
Ranma vanished.  
  
"I'm still here?" Akane said, surprised.  
  
"I'm still here?" Ukyou frowned.  
  
"Why I still here?!" Shampoo got upset.  
  
"I don't know," said Nabiki with a thoughtful look. "Do you suppose he's with Kodachi?"  
  
"I don't know. What do you think, Kasumi?"  
  
Everyone's head swiveled to the empty cushion and came to the same conclusion, followed a moment later by the same statement.  
  
"Ranma No Baka!"  
  
Akane fumed. "Someone who wouldn't scare him."  
  
Nabiki covered her eyes. "She likes to cook, he likes to eat. Good grief."  
  
"Someone who accept him?" Shampoo frowned some more. "Shampoo thought airen like enthusiasm."  
  
Ukyou shuddered and got up. "Well, where do you suppose they went?"  
  
------------------------------  
  
Really, really, far away:  
  
"Ranma, you don't have to carry me."  
  
"It's OK, Kasumi. Let's see what's in that castle."  
  
========================================  
  
a concept i may have to somehow work into A Very Scary Bet, if Jared-san doesn't use it...  
  
Wild Honey. char owned by various others.  
strange kinda fusion come up with by metroanime@mindspring.com  
  
------------------------------------------  
  
A demon and a cat were sitting in a bar. Well, actually the demon was "slumming" because he didn't have anywhere else to go, and the cat wasn't a cat. But you knew that.  
  
"Damn Aesir," said the demon, adjusting his icepack. "I ain't no 'hellspawn' and why do they gotta be so violent?"  
  
"You tried to organize an anime club. In Asgard. Using subtitled tapes of series nobody's heard of. THEN you started fixing okonomiyaki!"  
  
"Damn Aesir," repeated the demon swigging deeply of his drink.  
  
"Shouldn't you go easier on that stuff? You've had, what, three so far?" The cat shook his head.   
  
"Nah. I don't have a lactose intolerance any more. Ed! Another Coney Island Special." Grey considered how only this disreputable section of Asgard could have a soda jerk who was a dark elf named Ed.  
  
Ed walked up and regarded the demon with amber eyes. "I agree with Coyote here. You've had enough, sugar."  
  
Grey grumbled but couldn't bring himself to yell at her. Edema had troubles too.   
  
"What YOU need is to get your mind off your troubles!" Toltiir proclaimed in the manner which caused more prudent beings to seek shelter. "Behold!"  
  
The mirrors behind the bar fogged up.  
  
"You better clean up when you're done, kitty cat." Ed glared at the Trickster.   
  
"Please, my dear Edema. I'm not certain other mischievous spirits. Observe three scenes from the same timeline, though at different times and locations."  
  
Demon and dark elf observed.  
  
A blackhaired boy who looked very familiar, sitting in a bar with tear tracks running down his face.  
  
"Ranma Saotome," said the deity of mischief. "The darkest day of his life. The divorce has just been finalized and he is Alone. And likely will be  
for life and he knows it. The tender moments between he and Akane grew further and further apart at the end, till they stopped entirely."  
  
"Heavy," agreed the dark elf. "Is that Irish looking guy he's talking with one of your avatars?"  
  
"Merely a shadow projected into his presence. Ranma is talking about all the mistakes he made, and how he somehow turned into his own father. Not bad in the Art, but not adept at Life. Or this moment over here."  
  
Another mirror cleared, revealing a woman in a scene out of a holocaust. A bombed out building, and the red-haired girl cradled a young man's body to her and silently wailed her grief to the Heavens. "The young man is named Chokkei Danbei, and he has just been killed by an agent of a Darkness known as Panther Zora. The woman is actually a superbly crafted, well, android is the common belief. Her name is Honey Kisaragi."  
  
The third section of mirror cleared, revealing a middle aged blonde woman, who watches the couples passing her by in the mall, sipping on something clearly alcoholic. A faint trail of wetness can be seen on her cheek.  
  
"And here we have Minako Aino, who went from being the lone champion of justice, to a starring team-member, to someone who was relegated to the second string, and finally to a soldier in peacetime. And one unappreciated for the most part. Even her cat left her, to go start a family with the cat of a certain princess. She is now more alone than she's ever been in her life."  
  
"Geez, that's all pretty dark. No offense, Ed." The dark elf shrugged while the demon paused. "Ain't your style at all, you usually TRY for happy endings, Puck."   
  
Toltiir looked a little annoyed at the use of an old name of his, but let it pass. "Yes it is. Now hold on while I turn up the sound."  
  
"I...just wish..." Ranma sighed, a melancholy ache in his heart.   
  
"...that somehow, someway,...." Honey told the still form in her arms.  
  
"...I could do it all over again," said Minako with a sniffle.  
  
"...and make things come out better this time!" Ranma finished.  
  
"That I could have made more of a difference," added Honey as her own wounds began shutting her down.  
  
"that I'd been better at all that stuff," Minako added with a vague gesture.  
  
"...that I could've had someone who actually loved me. Not a dojo pledge, not a dowry stealing, not any of this stupid Law of Strength," grumbled Ranma.  
  
The sound of Ed's blender suddenly switching on nearly caused the demon to fall out of his seat. Ed was clutching her chest and glaring at the cat on the counter.  
  
The cat was grinning again and turned a mad expression towards the two others. "It's showtime!"  
  
-------------------------------  
  
Genma knocked his son towards the spring. The boy impacted the water.   
  
Then a series of bolts of lightning interrupted the Guide talking about Nyannichuan. Each of the bolts struck the same spring directly.  
  
A moment later, a redhaired girl floated to the surface of the Spring.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
Nabiki considered carefully the small group before her. "A curse? A gift? Which is it?"  
  
"Curse," said Ranma immediately.  
  
"Gift," declared Shampoo simultaneously.  
  
"Well, can you demonstrate for us?" Akane was a little skeptical. Curses? In this day and age?  
  
"Nabiki? Do you swear never to reveal what I'm about to do here?"  
  
"Okay, Ranma." Nabiki smirked. "I'll swear. Don't think that this'll get you out of this engagement thing though, Daddy's pretty stubborn."  
  
"That's right. It couldn't be so bad that it will stand in the way of the marriage." Soun directed a glare towards Genma who seemed to be a little intimidated by his own son.  
  
"You do it?" Shampoo blinked, then grinned and bounced up and down a few times. "Shampoo just love this! Yes!"  
  
"Honey Splash!" Ranma touched the odd mark near the juncture of neck and shoulder and suddenly seemed to be surrounded by water that didn't touch anything else.  
  
For a moment, it seemed his clothing had washed away, then his form was obscured for another heartbeat. When the moment had passed, a busty redhaired woman twirled, clothing being formed out of the watery column to cover her nakedness. Even though the water had somehow obscured the naughty bits during the entire transformation sequence.  
  
There were the sounds of jaws dropping all over the living room.  
  
"Ai no senshi, Wild Honey," the woman proclaimed with a wink.  
  
"Oh my," Kasumi summed up.  
  
"Yaaay! Do other one! Final stage transformation that reason Great Grandmama send Shampoo with friend Ranma to help defend Earth (and Amazon Village) from evil bad guys!" Shampoo was bouncing in such a way, that if this were live action, it would be banned from primetime in the United States. And probably put the program in the top 40 anyway.  
  
"Venus Crystal Power! Make UP!"  
  
Another dazzling transformation sequence occurred.  
  
If anything, the jaws had dropped further.  
  
----------------------------  
  
"Okay. Ranma can turn into Honey, and Honey can change to a Senshi."  
  
"Toltiir, you gotta learn restraint."  
  
The cat pawsed. "Restraint? What's that? Sounds uncomfortable..."  
  
----------------------------  
  
and if this isn't strange enough...  
  
Ranma: "Giant robot? Why didn't you tell me we've got a giant robot?"  
  
PQ: "It wasn't the right moment. Couldn't do that until the Angels started showing up. Besides, it requires more than one hero to operate it."  
  
Ranma: "How many? Define hero."  
  
Angel: THOOM!  
  
PQ: "4 Heroes. Well, a hero has to have a brave heart. Uhm. Does heroic things I guess..."  
  
Ranma: "Gotcha. We got a teleporter or somethin' to grab 'em with?"  
  
PQ: (hesitates despite really huge opponent is now within sight) "Y-yeah..."  
  
Ranma: (anxious) "Summon the giant robot!"  
  
(one Giant Robot Summoning Sequence)  
  
Ranma: (offscreen while screen shows Iczer kinda robo) "...and her, and her, and her."  
  
Voice #1: "Aiyah! Shampoo at...weapons console? Shampoo get to kick major butt in this scene? Shampoo LIKE!"  
  
Voice #2: "Hey! I had a deluxe okonomiyaki on the grill. This better be important. AHHH! that thing's heading for my restaraunt! Kill it!"  
  
Voice #3: "Oh my!"  
  
PQ: "Uhm. I kinda understand Shampoo and Ukyou. But Kasumi?!"  
  
Ranma: "She takes care of her family, putting her own life on hold, sacrificing her own dreams to make sure they're taken care of. That should be sufficiently heroic."  
  
Kasumi: "Why thank you, Ranma-kun."  
  
Ranma: "Besides, she's the only adult I could think of who acts in a responsible manner that wouldn't want to be in the control seat."  
  
Kasumi: "Thanks...i think."  
  
============================  
  
http://metroanime.home.mindspring.com/  
metroanime@mindspring.com  
"still searching, still dreaming, still alone."  
-N.Brazil, "Midnight at the  
Well of Souls" 


End file.
